If I Could

Jenny held the giggling toddler on her lap tightly, as she felt her world drift through still time. This day was decided long before Chloe came into her life, and Jenny knew it, but she had decided to ignore it, thinking that it would be so much easier than it really was. Chloe cooed and turned in Jenny’s lap and wrapped her small arms around her neck. Jenny smiled and gave the infant a loud kiss on the cheek, “You’re such a cute girl huh?” Jenny told Chloe, who laughed through a wide smile and put her little hands on Jenny’s face.

“Mom!” Chloe squealed in joy

Jenny leaned into the little girl’s touch, but her smile quickly faded and she felt tears brim her pale eyes, “No, Chloe,” She tried to sound happy, but the somber tone in her voice was far from hidden, “I’m not your mom remember?” Jenny ran her hand over Chloe’s thin and crazily static brown hair.  Jenny had tied it in two pigtails that day, with pink ribbons, and Chloe looked adorable with her pink sweater and rosy cheeks to go along with her beautifully joyful smile.  Jenny pulled a picture she had I her hand up to show Chloe, “I’m Jenny, this is your mom.” Julie pointed at the woman on the picture and Chloe analyzed her picture with all the two year old attention she could muster. Jenny tilted her head and analyzed Chloe’s perfect features. She was such a beautiful little girl with her tiny glasses, and long eye lashes, and so so happy…

Jenny had to look away from her for a moment and take a deep breath, because her throat was beginning to knot up.  This was so hard. Finally Jenny gathered the courage, and looked back at Chloe, and her big brown eyes met her and they squinted with that familiar goofy toothed smile again. “Mom!” Chloe yelled at Jenny and thrust forward giving her another big happy hug.

Jenny didn’t resist, and held Chloe back with the same enthusiasm, and she took a deep breath taking in Chloe’s familiar smell and felt her soft hair against her cheek, “No baby,” Jenny’s voice quivered, “we have to return you to your real mommy.” She painfully reminded Chloe of the reality they were both living.

“Mom come back?” Chloe asked in her heavy murmured and slurred toddler voice that after years of practicing with her own children, Jenny could understand perfectly. Jenny let the little girl’s question sink in, and she couldn’t hold the tears that slowly slide out of her eyes. Chloe always asked that question before she went anywhere; nursery, play dates, and even the visits she regularly had with her biological parents, because Chloe never went anywhere without the promise that Jenny would come back to get her, and Jenny had always promised she would. She remembered holding her tinny chubby hands in hers and smoothing her hair and shirt before promising, “Yes Chloe, Mommy will come back to get you. I’ll always come back for you.”

Jenny pulled back and gave Chloe a lopsided smile, but more tears were escaping, betraying the happiness she wanted Chloe to see, “Yes baby girl, mommy will always come back to get you.” Jenny passed the lie she couldn’t resist through her lips and embraced her child again. She closed her eyes and rocked Chloe back and forth gently, knowing that even if she wanted to, she was never going back to get Chloe ever again.